Aha! – these things aren’t very regular are they?  Anyway, as I am now a lady of leisure, having given up my job at Rothschild on 5th November last year (I wanted to go out with a bang!) – and being still unable to find anyone foolish enough to employ me, I now have time to give you a quick round-up of our news – but only because its too dark to do the gardening. Last year was a very mixed bag.  In November of 2009 my parents were finally and not unexpectedly taken away by the men in white coats and, after various practical and bureaucratic sagas, have been firmly ensconced in an EMI care home in Bexhill since Spring of 2010.  That’s Elderly Mentally Infirm by the way, nothing to do with music videos. It’s rather sad to see that they are both going steadily downhill.  Dad in particular is now very frail and has had to put up with a fractured hip and possibly a minor heart attack, as well as the indignity of walking with a zimmer and now being mainly wheelchair-bound. On a good day he is still capable of holding a slightly rambling conversation but he looks and sounds every bit of his 85 years, and then some.  Mum is generally in better physical health, albeit going deaf (though, you understand, there’s nothing wrong with her hearing!) and virtually blind in one eye (ditto) and as mean-spirited, miserable, paranoid and generally joyous to be with as ever.  So now you know who I take after.  My only consolation is that she will eventually forget who I am! Despite our ongoing parent/in-law obligations, we managed to arrange a trip to Australia last summer, going via Hong Kong and then flying on to Perth. For those of you who have never been, Hong Kong is highly recommended – very cosmopolitan and full of surprises, and remarkable for the disparity between old and new, the vast scale of modern development looming over the tiny and traditional at street level.  Our brief stopover coincided with David’s birthday on 22nd May, which was – just - long enough for him to get a suit made to measure at one of the famed HK “overnight” tailors.  Astonishing.  After another fairly long flight to Perth, and an overnight stop, we picked up our hire car and David drove us up the West coast, which took about five days with various overnight stops at points of interest on the way, and then we arrived in Karratha, where Camilla and Simon are living in a long-term posting for Simon’s work. It’s a bit like a cross between 1970s Milton Keynes and a construction site in Abu Dhabi. Camilla was heavily pregnant at the time of our visit but fortunately it was a slightly cooler part of the year (phew, what a scorcher!) and she gamely took us out and about to see the local sights.  We also managed a few days at an “eco camp” which was a sort of mini outback experience for the terminally nervous, complete with outdoor “facilities”, each apparently with its own spider, and barbeque-it-yourself dinners.  After a few more days testing Simon and Camilla’s hospitality in Karratha – including the invention of a ludicrous card game – we flew back to Perth for four days of culture, shopping and wine-tasting, not to mention catching up with two of my three former sisters-in-law who happen to live in Perth, plus David’s old friends Gordon and Rachel Bryden. It may have been the trip of a lifetime, but we are hoping to repeat the experience this year as Simon’s contract has been extended to at least August, and now there is the added attraction of baby Amélie, David and Olive’s first granddaughter and the sweetest little cutie you can imagine. Not only outrageously pretty and smiley, she is already showing a very outgoing and lively disposition, and is quite vocal – all of which should stand her in good stead at any Woolf/Franses family gatherings where getting a word in edgeways can be something of a challenge.   I have been designated “WSG” (wicked step-granny) which would seems about right as Camilla and Tristan refer to me as WSM (wicked step-mother).  I look forward to leading Amelie astray when she is old enough, but not too old to be scandalized by the antics of her WSG. Amélie must be the world’s most travelled baby: under 6 months and she has already been on several flights, most recently to the UK and back for Christmas and New Year 2010-11.  It was a busy time for us: it seemed like we had a house full for about two weeks, but great fun and lovely to see everyone. Unfortunately Paymaan had to stay behind in Coventry where he was working hard to save up for his time at University.  At least that was his cover story!  Olive excelled on the gift front, buying two squeaky/oinky pigs for Midge and Joe which have continued to surprise us when stepped on accidentally. These things normally give up after a few weeks but Olive’s squeakers are the gift that just keeps on giving.  No sooner was Christmas over than we realized it was a mere 6 weeks to my 50th birthday on 11th February.  While I wasted my January going to pointless job interviews and making a list of things I wanted to do in my 50s, having negligently failed to do them in the brief hiatus that was the firsty forty years of my life – presumably because I was at work at the time - (bingo anyone?), David leapt into action (”leap, leap”), sending out invitations and making all the arrangements.  He certainly did a wonderful job, as the party on 12th February at the Manor Barn was a great success. Around 60 people came in fancy dress for a 1940’s wartime themed “knees up”, complete with swing band, ration books, air raid sirens and wartime food. You can see the evidence on the party page. Thank you to everyone who did their bit in the blitz! Of course, it being the Woolf household, the fun has been tempered a little: our schnauzer Joe had a rather traumatic trip to the vet just a couple of days before my birthday, where it transpired that he needed to have almost all his teeth removed due to gum disease. He had seemed perfectly OK and not at all in pain, so we were fairly horrified when he returned minus his pearlies, taken out under general anaesthetic by the way. He seems to be coping remarkably well and is back to his normal cheerful and slightly Frank Spencer- ish self, eating softer food but otherwise fine.  Midge, over three years his senior, had her teeth checked too but hers are in a good state.  It seems that whatever caused Joe’s problems was not down to anything we had done but I still feel we let him down. Having a dog is a huge responsibility: what makes it worse is how readily they forgive us. To add to this fine start to 2011, my parents’ bungalow, standing empty in Lincolnshire while we get the necessary permissions to sell it, fell foul of the cold snap and not one but two burst pipes brought down a bedroom ceiling, ruining the entire room and the hall carpet.  Need I say that the insurers went all insurer-ish on us and decided not to pay up (that’s Lloyds Home Insurance by the way, which I recommend to you as highly as a dose of the clap). On top of this it seems that their boiler may be defective and – we await the independent assessor’s report as I write – it may be that it has been slowly poisoning them with carbon monoxide for the past 14 years, which would certainly account for the dementia. Hopefully the young plumbers who raised this issue were being over- diligent and we won’t have to get embroiled in a long court case with British Gas who had had a contract to service said boiler since the house was built 15 years ago.  Still, I like a challenge. Hopefully, by the time of my next thrilling instalment this irksome business will have been resolved and I shall be back on the treadmill of gainful employment and out from under David’s feet.  Lord knows there is little enough room under David’s feet as Joe is always there! – in the meantime we are off to visit Perry and Caroline in France.  Much to look forward to this year, but as much unknown and hanging in the balance, and so onwards and upwards we go, fuelled as always by that glorious admixture of trepidation and gin. Marcia’s March Newsletter Design: WebMagicSouth